Be soft… by Vonnegut

I cannot believe how different life is. 

My last post was in October and it had been a month since I had posted, today it has been almost 3 months since my last post and honestly, my world could not be more different if I had tried. 

The holidays were great for us even with the typical stress that is faced during the holiday season. We felt the stresses of being an unemployed couple during the most costly time of the year, but I think that was quickly overshawdowed by the extreme trauma our community as well as our whole nation felt during that time. While 2012 was full of feelings from when Matt was in the hospital, I can’t help but think shock kept me from feeling the extent of the trauma, yet when the Clackamas Town Center shooting happened just down the road and the Sandy Hook tragedy only a few days later, my soul was deflated. As I was fortunate to not have any “personal” connection to either experience, I couldn’t help but feel for the families and the communities affected and I spent many days in my own head debating human kind, God and the world we live in. I remember the Friday when Sandy Hook happened, where I gave up UFC with friends and family to go to a church concert with my mother, and to know that the church where the beautiful choir sang Silent Night was the defining moment of the Christmas 2012 for myself. I knew UFC and conflict was not where my soul could continue and thrive and the place where I felt safe and close to my Lord was I needed to be. 

Beyond that, this time was what I needed. I started grad school and it was much harder than I thought. I knew it wouldn’t be easy- don’t get me wrong, but I couldn’t imagine the amount of time and dedication I had to give, yet in the end, I couldn’t help but know that it is where I belonged and where my destiny had been leading me. No blogs were posted because if there was any time I was on my computer, it was doing homework or at least research related to my schooling. And while in this time I was pushed to my limits, I found what I was called to do and found what I loved and found what I was capable of. A research class that had me crying more than when Matt was in the hospital opened my eyes to so much, I found my calling to work in the field of trauma, the military community and the love of research as much as it kills me. And even has me leaning towards the possibility of pursuing my psy.D (doctorate degree). 

Now, even more important, the update on Matt. 3 years means a huge variety of changes. 

He is now (pretty much) driving. He spent several weeks with an occupational therapist from the VA who specializes in driving rehab. It was great to have the simulator to get him prepared and he spent several weeks behind “the wheel” of a simulator. Just the other week he moved up to work with the therapist behind the wheel of a car (the VA’s car) and from what I hear- it won’t be much longer before he is done with this chapter of his recovery.

We finally got a chance to meet with the orthopedic surgeon who decided that surgery on his shoulder is really not necessary. This is a huge answer to our prayers because even though Matt didn’t want it to begin with, if a surgeon recommended it, we probably would have considered it. But over Christmas break when we had a chance to meet and review his records and x-rays, it was concluded that surgery wouldn’t be necessary to a functional life and that although his right shoulder looks a little different, it is just fine. 

Everything else is going quite smoothly. He still has several appointments each week but mostly just building on his current therapies. He had an extensive neuropsychology appointment which we will meet and discuss the results (and subsequent treatment plan) in a few days. He is off ALL medication and experiences no pain on a daily basis. He joined my gym in December and is working mostly on cardio and endurance to prepare for working and he simply amazes me during our time there. He pushes himself and even runs some on the treadmill! 

He continues to be my rock. I can’t imagine a world without him and he is my everything. His social skills are improving and although I pick up on his faults, from those who don’t know him as well as I do, say he is just fine which is just icing on the cake. My goal this term is to stay more connected. Being the first term of grad school I gave up everything in stride for straight A’s, but decided it was more important that I connect with friends and love ones. So I truly do hope to update this blog regularly especially as Matt continues to make progress. And while this whole situation has brought both Matt and I closer to our God, and I know several of my previous posts were connected to a bible verse, I have so many more influences and recently this quote has been in my heart:

“Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.” -Kurt Vonnegut

Hebrews 6:19

I had to go back to re-read the last post. It’s been so long it almost feels like a lifetime ago, it’s been a month now and that just feels unreal to me. I used to put off writing on the blog because it was just hard to write, it made the fears and prognosis all too real but now I put it off because our life is just so busy and go,go,go that I forget about it! Or it gets too late and we are just too tired that we would rather just cuddle up together and watch a TV show and talk.

Matt has been making extraordinary strides. He is continuing to impresses therapists and surpass all the goals they have for him and he continues to take it into his own hands and works hard at home to continue his progress. We have resistance bands on our stair rails, theraputty on various tables, foam blocks from OT in the car and random direction sheets laying all around the house. It is not uncommon to walk downstairs and to see Matt doing balance exercises or hand strengthening work outs while watching TV. He amazes me.

It’s crazy to think that 4 months ago we weren’t sure he would ever come home or even walk. Last week he was cleared to begin driving rehab with a specialized occupational therapist while his other therapists are beginning to make their treatment plans focused on work related functions so he can get back to work sooner rather than later. At this moment, I am away for the night and Matt is at home hanging out with his best friend visiting from Washington. We run errands, go to get dinner, Matt cooks and cleans and comforts me while I freak out about school. We go to movies, go to church, grocery shop and of course watch football. I don’t even know what to say or feel.

On the medical front, God continues to work magic. As the previous blog said, he has no need for neurosurgery consult and his MRI showed continued improvement. He recently had vascular imaging to look at the blood veins in his arms and it came back normal and healthy, the purple hand issue has gone away for the most part, so the assumption is that it gets better with hand usage. He is getting weaned off his last medication and will soon be back to being medicine free. The next issue we have coming up is a visit with Orthopedic surgery to discuss his right shoulder. He was re-imaged and it showed that new bone growth is evident with his shoulder basically healed as it is. If you see him you see a noticeable slope of his shoulder, that is just the way the bone healed due to lack of support and usage. He is referred to see ortho to discuss options (but Ortho through VA is VERY booked and we won’t meet them until December). What they will look for is to see if there is something they can do to help with that slope in the shoulder. As of right now, we know the basics of what might be possible. One option will be surgery, they will go in and basically re-break the bone and set it so that it heals in a more normal looking position. The other option is that they just say leave it alone. The functionality will be the same, he will need to work on muscle building to help but it is what it is. It works. Surgery is often more harmful than beneficial, it will put him out for at least 6 months as it is clavical surgery and takes forever to heal. It doesn’t always guarantee an improvement in function and is very, very, very painful. Also, because the shoulder is used and maneuvered so often and on a regular basis, there is risk of the screws coming loose and him needing surgery again a few years down the road. At this point, Matt is against the surgery. Even after those scary situations I admit I thought about it out of nothing but pure appearance reasons, but I understand why Matt doesn’t want to, and I respect that and I understand how an unsymmetrical shoulder means very little especially when he has range of motion and function as it is. And this is what we hear from doctors who don’t specialize in bones. In December all this info may change and at that time we will listen, research, talk to each other, our family and our God and we will make a choice. Until then we continue to go forward, to take each other for granted, spend too much time watching TV together, laughing, drinking coffee and making plans for our future.

I am making this promise again though: I will try really hard to keep up on this. But please don’t hold me to it, at least not until finals are over.

Please continue praying and join us as we pray for others who experience trials and hardships. The holidays are coming up which serves as a stressful time for many and we keep those who struggle in our thoughts.

“We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.”-Hebrews 6:19

MRI visit complete! (Matt here)

I want to apologize for using Ashleigh’s blog! This is Matt, as you might have already imagined. Thank you to everyone who has said hello!

Saturday we had my MRI, which was very interesting. I was on my back as they scanned my brain and boy was it interesting. Incredibly loud as well! The scan was needed to see how much blood was in my brain because there was a lot in my right ear. It was incredibly intense knowing that doctors would soon be looking at my brain in all of its glory.

Today (Friday) we got a call from one if my brain doctors talking about my MRI. She was straight to the point when she told me my brain was in great shape! She then told me I better start getting my ear cleaned! That was great news because if it didn’t go well I was going to have to talk to a brain surgeon, and that scares the crap out of me!

Thanks everyone for keeping Ashleigh in great shape while I was gone, I owe all of you a lot!

Obstacles cannot crush me, every obstacle yields to stern resolve. -da Vinci

Trying to keep the good ol’ words from Mr. da Vinci in mind. Weeks like this sometimes make it hard, but we are trucking along. Little things are keeping me going like random cards from best friends in my door and my dogs and Matt and I being able to watch our favorite show. Just feeling a little overwhelmed with school and all that jazz. Just wanted to do a quick update as it’s late and I’m tired but had a friend ask about Matt and I realized I failed to update as promised.

Matt’s MRI is not until Saturday. While we are thankful for the VA, their quality of care providers are above and beyond, they are a system that is government ran and limited in resources. Even though Matt’s dr asked for a rush order of MRI, the rush in the government is 8 days. Our Navy days are catching up to us and “hurry up and wait” is all too true once again. But we will take it. In the meantime we have had a lot of other things occur. 

On Monday Matt and I trekked up to Vancouver and met with the Polytrauma team at the VA there. During that time we met with several providers who each observed Matt. The Polytrauma team is selective and only take on the cases that fit certain criteria and work a lot with TBI’s. They work with those that they feel can benefit most from comprehensive interdisciplinary medical care. Before we left they stated they were taking Matt on. This is great! He has a physician that specializes in rehabilitation who will oversee all of his therapies, a psychologist for when and if he wants one (he has a psychiatrist for his sleep/stress meds- but anyone in the field knows, psychiatrists are not really… talking people. And he didn’t like his psychiatrist at all. The psychologist on the other hand is amazing). And we also got assigned a case manager who will help us navigate the system and find recreational activities and just general support. 

One of the things his new Dr. did was a full blood work panel. In it, she saw an increase in an enzyme that is indicative of fractures. So she ordered new X-Rays of his shoulders as it’s weird because his fractures should have been healed by now. So he got those X-Rays today and sure enough, his right shoulder is pretty messed up still. Getting better, but major difference between his right and left shoulders. In fact, his right shoulder is growing new bone completely. Nothing too bad, nothing they can do with it as far as we know but just let it go and keep healing. Body is pretty awesome in that way. 

Also today, Matt got an eye exam from a neuro-opthamologist. This was a concern we had from his days in the hospital where his vision was pretty bad. He had a loss of field vision and his left eye wasn’t tracking well. Well, today he passed with flying colors. His eye still has some very minor issues tracking but it doesn’t and won’t affect anything in the future and should continue to go away on it’s own. He has 20/20 vision and would easily pass a vision exam given by the DMV. The opthamologist said that he has no reason to need to see Matt again unless his vision gets worse in the future! This is great news. Also today he started physical therapy. Not much to note.. it was good, a first visit so pretty basic and easy. Have some home exercises and another appt next week.

So please keep thinking of us and remember us Saturday morning. And thank you for all your thoughts and prayers as we keep pushing through obstacles and celebrating victories!

That’s why I pray…

Two weeks have passed since my last post and I still have many of the same sentiments. We have experienced so much in these last few weeks that remind me of all the amazing things we have in our life. We have truly great friends who are visiting and spending time with Matt and I and keeping us laughing. We are happy to see Matt’s sailor buddies who come all the way here for just the short time they get off, we are so happy to visit with our favorite neighbors after they spent so much time away and are about to head out of country for business. We are blessed by Matt’s work friends who although he is unable to work, still welcome him with open arms and even invite him to the big meeting coming up. He is so excited to be back in work attire and around the people he loves. We are also blessed by all the people who have dedicated time, energy and/or money towards our lives lately. We loved being able to stop by a local salon last week who held an extremely eventful and packed fundraiser for Matt and for his our family who has send adorable cards with their thoughts and prayers and little bits extra in them. Our families have been amazing people and we couldn’t have gotten here without them. Matt’s sister and dad and my family who hang out when I’m at school. Making sure he is fed and spoiled and loved on. And Matt even had family come visit from South Dakota and we made an amazing weekend out of that. One of the best parts is meeting our new niece who lives way to far away in Seattle. Seeing Matt hold her made my heart melt. Even more so when the adorable little 1 month old smiled at her Uncle Matt being silly with her.

Therapies have been going great. His speech therapist was surprised at the level he is at and expected worse from the notes from his previous hospitals. He has continued to make GREAT improvement at home and she said she has to reevaluate her plan of attack since he is doing much better than she had anticipated. I love seeing him make such great strides in all aspects. Even the family notices it. My brother who lives out of town saw him and then 2 weeks later saw him again and couldn’t believe that difference. 

We still haven’t met up with PT yet but his appointment is coming up. We also are getting those vascular imagining done soon and we can’t wait for that because his hand is still a major concern and isn’t showing much improvement. For that reason we ask that people still keep that situation in your thoughts and prayers. 

On the prayer request note we had a new concern today. Matt approved me writing this as he would like any positive thoughts and prayers we could get. Today we met for a post-hospitalization follow-up appointment with the neurologist. She was great and noted great improvement compared to his discharge notes from his first two hospitals. Even though she was shocked reading through the description of his injuries and at one point stated “Wow you are really lucky to be alive!”, she had a concern that is really weighing heavy on our hearts. Matt mentioned to her (good thing he did, I feel bad as I rather dismissed it) about how cleaning his right ear has been difficult and weird. She didn’t seem that concern and lectured us on using q-tips (something I guess we shouldn’t do) but then got a little concerned after looking at his right ear. She said there appears to be quite a bit of dried blood. She didn’t notice any obvious trauma to the ear, like a cut or anything, and she said how by this point in the recovery process, the blood should have been dissolved. Especially since during his entire time in RIO there wasn’t any bleeding from ears and there actually wasn’t any during the later stages of his time in the Trauma Unit. So she has concerns that there may still be bleeding and there may be changes due to the new instance of blood in the ear. So she ordered a rush MRI requesting that it be done within the next 72 hours. She also mentioned that depending on what the MRI shows and how it compares to earlier MRI’s from his previous hospitals, she may have to refer us to consultation with Neurosurgery and possibly investigate that route if necessary. So we are asking for this: please pray, or think/meditate/send healing energy, this way that it will be unnecessary to meet this new team member. Beg that having a neurosurgeon on our team will not be necessary and that it is something benign and will go away. 

I remember in the early stages of all this, I even blogged about it, that there were things going on that suddenly disappeared. For example an initial report of broken vertebrae and a broken neck that just disappeared. Even at RIO a neuropsychologist said his aphasia was so bad we could look forward to having a conversation sometime around Thanksgiving and even then, it wouldn’t be one that is very deep. Well here it is, 2 months early and we have whatever conversation we want, even talking about the turmoil in the Middle East! We were told we would have to restrict visitors to closes friends and family and likely keep activity to just simple conversations. Matt has had friends come to visit, going out to play arcade games, going to Buffalo Wild Wings and celebrating a friends upcoming marriage in a large group, going to wineries just to visit and talk with the owners we love and other customers. It is for this reason I have a deep respect and deep faith in prayer and positive thinking. Knowing the harsh possibilities but hoping for better. I hope this is another situation where no matter how dark and scary it might all be, we will be ok because we have our friends, family and faith on our side and Matt has proven to us over and over again that he’s a fighter. 

Earlier today we were talking in the waiting room. He is very curious about his accident and the whole process he wasn’t “awake” for. I am honest with him and tell him exactly how it is. Told him how I knew he was hurt before the cops even showed up, and how I cried and even had doubts in what the future would hold as the days of a coma went beyond the “average” and therefore created a worse prognosis. Matt’s response to that (after apologizing- he’s really apologetic for all this happening): “You should have known it would take more than a silly brain injury to keep me down”. 

…I wanna make a difference even in the smallest way…
…I’m only one person, but I can feel it working…
…I believe in better days…
…That’s why I pray…

Please pray for us. Expect a new blog sooner rather than later as I will update about the MRI and subsequent events as soon as I can so everyone who reads this can stay up to date. 

“Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase” -MLK Jr.

I am reminded quite often lately, of how blessed we have been. This last week has been truly wonderful in so many ways. On Monday we ran a bunch of errands together and ended up going to a winery we have been members of and are close with the owners. Even though neither were working at the time we stopped by when the lady working called to tell them we were there, both owners came in to see us. RJ drove so fast up the driveway we were cracking up. We ended up staying there for a few hours just talking. That night was such a wonderful night for Matt and I as I made dinner and drink pinot from Plum Hill and we just watched our favorite show and relaxed. The next day I started graduate school. Prior to Matt’s accident, grad school was our main reason for celebrating. Our conversations revolved around our future, my acceptance and everything we did was in celebration of me graduating PSU and getting accepted when I never thought I could (even though Matt always said he knew I could). During the first weeks of recovery I had to heavily consider whether I would go on to go to school, or put it on hold for a year. Pacific University said I had a spot and could always defer. After a lot of debating, talking to some people I deeply respect and some heavy duty praying, I decided to go forward with my plans even though I had no clue at this point what Matt’s recovery or even his prognosis was. I knew that Matt would be upset if I didn’t go and it has been a long time dream of mine, so I knew I had to go. And I did. And I’m pretty sure I am in love. I am scared out of my mind but I am in love with the program. I am already feeling behind in work, but have come to realize that this is a common feeling for graduate students. 

Matt begins therapies in a week. This is what we have been waiting for and I can’t wait to see how this might help him improve even more. I love how we come across people we haven’t seen since before the accident and how amazed those people are at Matt’s progress. It does amaze me as well. He is so happy and positive it makes me sick sometimes! (Ok not really it usually makes me laugh). We have gotten into a routine and one thing I have developed a love for: Making him breakfast. I have to say, I am awesome at breakfast! Matt’s work routine usually kept him from eating breakfast at all, so now our morning time together is special and really starts my day off right. I never thought I would love making breakfast for him so much.

Today we had a new point in being home: Matt helped clean the bathroom. We gave Trixie her weekly bath then decided to clean the bathroom. Matt did the entire double sink vanity including scrubbing the grout in between the tiles. 

Also today, we realized it’s one of our favorite times of the year- today college football starts. We have USC on at 4:30 and Ducks on at 7 and we are SO excited. Preseason for NFL is also over so next week we will be starting up our weekly family football days where we spend the day with my family watching the games and eating. I keep teasing Matt about how I know he is going to be ok because his brain wouldn’t let him miss a football season. 

With all this good it’s easy to overlook some of the challenges. We are finding the cognitive functioning to be a challenge. It is hard because prior to all of this, Matt was so articulate and able to multitask and process multiple things at once. So it’s been a challenge to both of us to tackle the difficulties in communicating and to focus on working with his skills with where he is at now not where he was or where he is going to be. Sometimes I feel as if I am the one with more difficulty in this and I feel myself getting frustrated. So I am working on that. Also, he is still having trouble with his right arm and it has made us begin to think it extends beyond just his brain injury. In the last 3 weeks of being at home I have seen progress in all aspects of his recovery except when it comes to his right arm. It also has began to look different. It began towards the end of his rehab time and progressively gotten to be more frequent, but his right hand turns a weird purple-reddish color and gets extremely clammy. We called his team at the VA to discuss this and they felt it was necessary to refer him to get an appointment for vascular imagining to look at his vessels and see what’s going on internally. 

So that’s pretty much where we are at. Matt is napping and I should be doing one of my zillion readings I have been assigned to do. We are just trekking on taking steps in life even though we are not quite sure of the staircase situation. I don’t know how big our staircase is or which direction is goes, but we seem to be walking up which is the only direction we want to go. 

“Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise” -Victor Hugo

Almost 2 weeks at home and still no post from me- So sorry friends! I guess the reason for this is that life at home has been fantastic and I have been living it with Matt. Everything I came home- all my fears, expectations and worry- have flown out of the second story window and crashed to the ground below. Life at home has been good. Matt is still making improvements and he is ready to keep going. He now completely understands the situation and his injury and he is more determined then ever to get better. His positive attitude has surpassed mine and there are many days where he has to pick me up when I start hating life a little too much. 

In the weeks he has been home, we have reconnected with many friends including one of Matt’s sailor buds, we go out to eat quite often (probably not good for our weight but we didn’t think Matt could do public places and the like), we hang out with family and we run errands and go to stores just to walk around. Matt has nixed the cane and the wheelchair and does fine without them. He is even mastering going up and down the stairs without the use of the hand rails. My early thoughts of having to constantly follow him and care for him are gone. He is independent at home. 

These last 2 weeks have also been nice since I am still on summer break and it’s been vacation-like for us. Sadly (but excitedly for me) school starts on Tuesday and I will be off to my first year of grad school. It’s also time we stop being so lazy and start taking care of ourselves. Matt has the first of all his appointments coming up and after the initial intake appointments, he will begin a routine with various appointments each week. I will have classes and hope to get back in a gym soon. I cancelled our membership while in the hospital in order to save money and that combined with just sitting next to Matt all day everyday on top of hospital food/going out to eat near the hospital- I have promptly put on 15 pounds. Being home hasn’t helped with Matt’s new increased appetite (which is good!) and our desire to catch up on missed date nights has resulted in a lot of food. A day after I gave advice to a friend to take care of herself I realize I haven’t done that for myself at all! So, vacation time/honeymoon period is up and back to the grind. Wish us luck as we begin to navigate new roads and push towards new goals but as individuals and as a couple. And I will attempt to keep everyone updated through it all!

Almost off this path

Hospital days start early. Every other day someone comes in at 5:30am to take Matt’s blood, every morning someone comes in at 6:30am to give medicine. Every morning at 7:00am his vitals get taken and every morning at 8:00am a tray of fragrant hospital food comes in and waits for him to finally get around to it as well as getting dressed and cleaned up for his first therapy sometime between 8:30 and 9. With that being said- today will be the last full day of life here in RIO. Tomorrow Matt will go through the normal wake up routine starting with a blood draw most likely, but by 11am he will be checked out and we will be on our way home. This update will be brief since I am here this morning with and 8am is coming up so breakfast and on to the rest of the day is fast approaching. Yesterday Matt had a “homepass”. He had one last week in which we went to my parents and this weekend we went to our house (after a pit stop at the parents house so we could be treated to some delicious Sunday breakfast). This homepass is meant to boost moral and happens towards the end of inpatient care to practice what daily living will be like. It also gives you a chance to find where problems might be and gives RIO a few days to help correct it. Our problem: everything was so perfect and easy that we didn’t want to come back. We watched sports all day, bouncing from the PGA tour to Preseason football. We napped in bed, Trixie never left Matt’s side. I cooked us a basic dinner that Matt loved (he’s over hospital food for sure). We visited with friends and family and basically stayed inside where it was cool. Everything we would have done on a typical weekend day.

Granted, life won’t be exactly “typical” when we get home for good. Matt will still have a lot of outpatient rehab each week and I start school and will have to try to juggle all those activities especially since Matt is not cleared to be alone yet and still needs someone with him which I know will lead to us relying a lot on my parents during those school nights. But like Matt keeps saying while in RIO “it is what it is”. We will deal that’s what we do. Unfortunately we have never had an easy time in our entire life together but I guess that was just in preparation for now and it makes us more thankful for little times of goodness.

With the time restraint I can say this- Matt will be home and will be close to normal again. It may take a year or so, but he is closer to normal now than he was 3 weeks ago, I can’t understand what it will be like in a year. He is off almost all medications and only takes a few minor ones each day. He is walking so even though he will be getting a wheelchair that will be saved for longer distances or long shopping trips, things like that. His speech is rapidly improving and only acts up when he’s tired or something like anxiety is creeping in. His memory is a little lacking, but those who love Matt are understanding. Our dearest friends Hollie and Jordan are being amazing, reintroducing facts about themselves and not taking it to heart that Matt just doesn’t quite recall all of it.

Matt is amazing. RIO has been amazing for him. He continues to shock and surprise everyone. One of our favorite nurses, a cute little woman named Barbara cries when she sees and talks to Matt. She was the one who checked us in and was the first to meet Matt. She cries because the progress he makes has already surpassed all of their hopes for him. I am unsure if people around us understand the prognosis that Matt faced. We all had the thought of well, he will be fine, when in reality where he is at today, they didn’t think he could be there for several months post-RIO. We feel like we owe this amazing hospital something. Matt was telling his neuro-dr about how much he thanks everyone and Dr. Degen said that even though they take credit for it, it is all Matt and his brain doing the work. And while a lot of that may be true, we really couldn’t have gotten this far without the entire staff here, especially the nurses and therapists and even Dr. Degen who renewed my faith in doctors after our experiences in the ICU shattered it.

First therapist just walked in to do some kensi-taping on Matt’s shoulder, gotta go watch so I can do it at home! More updates to come!

Loving through it

When you’re weak, I’ll be strong
When you let go, I’ll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can’t take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.

Some of you may have some thoughts on using a country song, but man that one stuck out driving home from the hospital tonight. 

I know my last post was only 5 days ago, but so much is happening each and every day, I honestly forgot I had blog. This is good and bad. Good because all the stuff happening is such positive stuff for our situation, but bad because it is those who are following my blog who have helped along the way and I am forever sorry to not be updating on all the great advancements Matt has been making. RIO has truly been a blessing to us and while each and every staff member has been nothing short of amazing (another sign that we have angels every step of the way), there have been some particular ones in Matt’s corner who have Amazing with a capital A. 

In the short time we have been there Matt has started making great strides that are only getting greater and greater. His speech has improved greatly but is still probably the hardest part of this whole situation. This is not uncommon for those who have had brain trauma to find speech the most difficult to deal with, but it is also made more difficult by the fact that Matt was so articulate and communicative prior to all this. He was excellent at giving speeches, talking with others, putting his thoughts together as well as note taking, memory and problem solving. These are all things that have been greatly affected. It has only become worse in the last few days. While Matt’s actual aphasia has improved (still highly evident but improved), the problem comes in the fact that in the last few days Matt has become more aware. It has only been in the last few days that Matt has come to “hear himself”. So when he says a wrong word he knows it, and when he has trouble connecting thoughts or remembering something he should remember- he knows it. And it’s frustrating. To him more than anyone else. He is in extensive speech therapy to help aid in this progression, they help work on memory and do a lot of testing, but for the most part, aphasia is something that will go through a progression as it has been. A week ago his sentences were strung together with just a bunch of random words, but now he has several clear sentences and can communication which is especially useful when talking with doctors about what hurts and what he wants. His occupational therapist has been great in advocating for his participation in treatment now that he is aware and can communicate what he wants and what he is feeling up to. Ginger and Michelle are amazing women he works with often in this department (OT). Jamie and Susan are his amazing speech therapist who don’t get nearly enough credit. Because speech is one of the most difficult subjects most patients hate it. Matt hates it. So these women get the patients in the worst moods who are dreading the time they have together yet they work through it and still have their own powers. Matt and Jamie have a special bond and she always stops any time we see each other in passing and she was one of the first faces Matt began to recognize from the many therapist and doctors he sees on a daily basis. 

One of the other aspects that has become more aware to Matt is his physical limitations. He now states to most people that his right side is not functioning, he is sorry and that he is trying. This is usually in response to questions about what he can do, how he is feeling and when he is trying to shake hands with someone. It is a side that is extremely weak and difficult for him to move, but he can move it now. With purpose. He can shake hands and give high fives and “knucks” and walk. Just not 100% but he is working on it. This is largely due to Christina. This one physical therapist who has been Matt’s angel. She is Matt’s “favorite” and they are so great together. They BS with each other like no other and even better- she pushes him. Hard. She is lucky in that she is in the field that most patients like the best because they are up and moving and being functional, but this is especially true for Matt who is active and vivacious and full of life physically and emotionally. And even when Matt doesn’t feel up to much or is in an “I don’t care” mood (common for him and for his injury), she pushes him. She is careful of his physical limitations and knows when he can’t handle more in terms of pain, but man, she keeps him going. And he will complain or scowl but during the therapy he is focused and after he is happy and proud and says thank you a million times to her. She is amazing and I wish we could bring her home with us. 

Speaking of home… last post I said he would be home on August 9th (3 days from now). That has been changed to Tuesday August 14. I have to assure you though this is a good thing. It was weird to me to think of it this way, especially since I saw so many of the usual “crew” go home around us (other patients we came to know in passing). The idea of being at a hospital longer is something I would attach to as a downward progression. But when it comes to RIO, I guess it’s a good thing. Christina fought for Matt to be extended (to the insurance companies). When you get to a point in RIO where their extensive therapies will no longer help in progression- they send you “home”. Home may be a nursing facility, an assisted living facility or home home. In just this last week Matt has made so much progress that Christina felt that even 4 extra days of therapy at RIO would help Matt reach a new “functional level”. So while I am ready for him to come home, I will give 4 more days away if it means a better Matt. And Matt will be coming to our home in Hillsboro. A bar added to the shower and a few tables moved around, but that’s about it. Matt will be able to come home and even go up and down the stairs to live a more normal life. On Sunday he came “home” on a pass. We choose to go to my parents instead of actual home, and it was great. It was just like a normal Sunday in our family. Mom even said- all we need is a football game on TV. We watched the Olympics instead. Matt and I crashed on the couch, Dad BBQ’d. Kennan and Anna came to visit with Porter, the dogs were crazy, Auntie and Uncle Jay brought cheesecake. It was just like normal and my family was amazing in all that they did. 

So, I feel this blog is turning into an homage to all the amazing people from the therapist to my family to my amazing husband.. I guess it’s time to end. Matt is doing well. He will be home on the 14th (not the 9th). It’s amazing to see him walking, doing the stairs and lifting weights. It’s hard to see him belittle himself and worry about work, especially since 7 weeks ago a doctor told me he wasn’t sure Matt would ever wake up. And 3 weeks the doctors were telling us to look into nursing homes. Every day I give thanks for the progress and pray on my knees, begging for continued progression. 

Next blog will be more factual, I promise. I am home (a new occurrence) and I’m lonely especially since my 3 besties are unavailable because of time zone and school reqs- so 3 beers and 2 loads of laundry in- I am more sentimental then factual. But that is what healing is about. No facts have seemed to fit our story thus far, not sure if they will. We are our own story. 

And when this road gets too long
I’ll be the rock you lean on
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.
I’m gonna love you through it.

psalm 91:4

This one will be a quick one, but perhaps the most important one you will ever read. At least to me. 

I am tired because it’s almost 1AM on August 1st and for the first time since June 6th- I am in bed in our home. The reason I am here: I am preparing for homecoming. 

As a previous military wife- preparing for homecoming is a specific moment all military wives seem to share. But as the wife of someone who is coming home from knocking on the door of fate… this is completely different. I am a little bit lost here tonight. But I had to update because I know I have so many angles surrounding me at this moment and so many of them are friends and family with hidden halos and wings. 

Today- I watched Matt walk. Alone. Today- I watched Matt walk up and down the stairs with just a hand on a hip to guarantee he wouldn’t fall. This is coming from the man who couldn’t follow simple directions a few days ago. Looking at his therapy goals from the various therapists and seeing in bold GOAL SURPASSED has brought tears to my eyes several times today. And that was just today. Each and every day this man amazes me. And our Lord amazes me. Not just in the strength He gives him but in the ways he gives me strength.

On Sunday Matt is given the legendary “day pass”. This is the day that RIO (the rehabilitation institute of Oregon) gives to each family to “practice” what life at home will be like without them. Matt has mentioned that he is excited to see some of the Hillsboro air show- so we will be spending this “day pass” at my parents house watching the planes. But I am still working on our house and getting everything cleaned up because the tentative date of homecoming is August 9, 2012. 9 days from this moment. I say tentative because as the wife of a submariner I understand schedules are never solid, but the staff at RIO are pretty sure the 9th is our day. And all I can say is… I can’t wait. 

So I am going to end this post now, because it is late and I promise Matt I would be back in Portland at RIO by 8AM. I just wanted to send a quick update while I had good WIFI. I will try to update again within the next day or so with more detail (connection quality depending). But I had to say a quick shout-out. My dad posted on his facebook page a post of all those who are working to help Matt and I. And it wouldn’t be right of me to not mention these amazing angels who are embracing us each and every step of the way. For this I will copy and paste from his post: ‎07/31/2012 

Fund raising Benefits to help Matt and Ashleigh coming up: 
Class cuts in Hillsboro OR., Jenn Greene photography Hillsboro OR., 

Ongoing Fund raising Benefits:
Judy Viereck Photography Temecula CA., Plum Hill Winery Gaston OR., 

In the planning stage:
Family Yard sale

Please remember:
The VA has setup a fund to collect individual donation’s at ANY US BANK.
The account # is 153663011739 it is under Matts full name, MATTI OLLILA and you may need to mention it was opened in Oregon.

Thank you, God bless.

If I forgot anyone or any event I am sorry, send me a note and I will amend.

 

I would also like to thank my parents who have been an amazing support, Matt’s amazing family especially our sister, Leigh who has been the person to experience the most similar amount of grief, hope and love I have. And if it wasn’t for my dad and Leigh, I wouldn’t have experience the most amazing massage and chiro adjustment ever. And after that, they made it so my mom and I could go shopping and have dinner together and I didn’t have to worry about Matt. I have to thank those at Sunrise and Alliance Bible, 2 local churches who have prayed hard and visited matt during his darkest times and never ever lost hope. I have to thank those who are doing these fundraisers like Jenn G, Auntie Judith and Justine (who has ALWAYS supported the relationship Matt and I have had). And I have to thank those who have come to visit Matt. Knowing visits may only be a few minutes and understand because of “aphasia” Matt’s words are hard to follow, yet know he is still Matt. Youngs Market had proven to be more of company than I could have ever expected. They are a local business who truly love and care about their own and this is evident by the way they have shown support for Matt. Not only in the form of a 3-point shoot out, but in their simple form of showing up and talking with Matt. 

 

So as it closes in on 1AM- I have to say thank you. And please keep updated on this blog and I promise to update soon with more details about how amazing Matt is.